The starting post

But where to start is the question?

I want to lose weight. A lot of weight. 40 kilograms worth. My husband has promised me that if I can get it off and keep it off, I will get my body make over. No more stomach rolls, no more saggy boobs or waggly arms. I long to go clothes shopping in the regular sized isles. I loath buying clothes, coming home and being disgusted when I look in the mirror.

I have 2 major problems; I hardly exercise and my portions are way out of control. I know that if I can create some sort of balance between those two things, the weight will melt off me. I am the sort of person who needs constant reassurance and motivation or I get bored and lose interest. I am hoping that you readers out there can give me the pushes I need.

I guess for me, my weight issues started when I was preteen. I had a pretty shit family life, alcoholic mum, dad who worked a lot or went out in his shed to get away from the constant abuse my mum shot at him. I was always the last kid picked, the kid never invited to parties. For years and even to this day I cant work out why I was never really accepted. The more rejected I was, the more I ate and the fatter I became. No one wanted me for a girlfriend and friends always "coupled" up when going out on weekends so even in my late teens I would sit at home watching movies and pigging out in my bedroom. When I hit my late teens and began working and earning my own money, I could suddenly afford the gourmet junk food. It wasn't like I needed it for the pub or partying.

Addictions run in my family. All of them drug/alcohol related. Unfortunately for me I chose a drug that I need to survive. Some days I wish it was booze, heroin or cocaine, something I could walk away forever from. Instead food is my addiction. I know no portion control. I am so scared that I am going to screw up my kids. I have no idea what a normal serve looks like. My plate is always piled high.

Anyway, I didn't start this blog to whinge about my past or present. I want it to be a record of my journey, my self discovery. I want to watch my children grow up and one day look back and show them how I struggled for 15 years with the most horrible addiction but I was able to over come it. I don't want to let it win. I don't want to die in my 50s or 60s from obesity related illness. I want to enjoy my children when they are young because I know the time we have when they are selfishly ours is such a short time. As it is, I have no energy really to play. I am always getting questioned from my 5 year old about why I get puffed so easy. She has also called me fat a few times and yes I will admit, it stung real bad. I was always so embarrassed of my mother. I never ever want my children to feel the same level of shame that I did either in regards to themselves or their parentage.

OK so I will leave it here for tonight. The baby will be waking for a feed soon and my kitchen is a disaster. I will over the next few days think about how I am going to tackle this. The time for making excuses is over. I need to act now while I still can.